About Things Ya Don't Like Doing

At work, as with life, there are always things that I like doing, things I don’t like doing, things I don’t mind, and things I’d do anything to get out of.

Unfortunately, at work (and generally with life as well) all of these things need doing. Maybe they don’t need doing now. Maybe I can avoid doing them – for now. But in the end, to get through to the next stage (at work or in life, I guess), they all need doing.

~*~Apparently, not wanting to do a task at work (that I am, none the less, doing) has made me feel very philosophical. ~*~

In life, at the moment, the tasks I don’t want to do are:

Ø  The dishes

Ø  The tidying in general

Those are things that I really, really do not want to do.  My perfectionist nature makes me think I should want to do them, but my perfectionish nature also says “Oh my god, what is the point? It will just get messy again! You and The Crazy Flatmate are terrible at keeping anything neat!” I don’t like the idea that I will put all that effort in, only to have one or the both of us ruin things. Also, as I said in my previous blog post today, when I get home from work, I am tired and irritable and don’t want to do anything.

These things, however, are not things that will really stop me from growing as a person or moving on to the next stage in my life. Unless you count the whole “growing up/being mature/if I can’t look after a flat, how can I be expected to look after a house I own?” aspect of things.

{To be honest, I started this post at least two weeks ago and, while I want to keep it, i have no idea where I was going with it! So I'm just going to post it, unfinished...}

My Current Novel Problem

{First of all, yes I know that this is fast turning into my authors notes. This blog is a magical creature, everything I need it to be, when I need it. It just so happens that, at the moment, my novel-to-be is a mini-obsession, thinking about it and thinking about it but never actually putting pen to paper other than that attempted intro.}

At the moment my big dilemma is all about indecision. I just cannot decide how separate I am going to make this story. I mean, I don’t know how different I want to make Canter’s story (the aspergirl/vampire romance) from Emjay’s story (the original obsession, re-written more than 80 times, vampire romance which I now realise looking back was always an aspergrl/vampire romance).

In the world of Emjay’s story, and I know this from a long time writing this story, the simple act of changing the names changes almost everything. Only Emjay is Emjay. And I truly do not know how much of the story I actually want to change.

Mostly because I do not know how to do so much of what I want to do while changing the story, I do not know how to do some of what I want to do if I leave too much the same, and I do not know where the story is going other than it’s paranormal romance with two possible romantic interests. How do people meet? And more importantly, how can I have her meeting the two romantic leads separately, but they know each other, aren’t romantically involved (one of them is male and the other female and I don’t want it to be or seem like a couple seeking a unicorn because that’s so not what it is) and don’t seem to have an issue with each other romancing the same person?

I have thought up a way but I don’t know how well it will work. I can’t say too much because I haven’t started writing it yet so it’s kind of ambiguous in my own mind and…  

Well I guess that’s a significant amount of ranting about my story. No doubt this week will be a second (or is it third) week of having “start writing story” on my to-do list every day, never done. Who knows, I may finally be able to jump in the deep end!

Wish me luck

~*~ Note from after writing this: I have just been informed that this month is Camp Nano which means it's a smaller sub-variant of National Novel Writing Month. This, considering today is the first of the month, could be a bit of a kick starter for me. Setting goals for word count, giving me the kick in the pants I need... I'll look into it when I get home.

Novel Intro - Rough Copy

We walk among you, but you barely notice us. We look like you; if we want to, we can sound and act like you do. As far as you’re concerned, we don’t exist.

Except we do. And no matter what games of pretend we play, we’re not like you.

We barely even live in the same world as you do. Not the way you see it, anyway.

We’re all different, just so you know. I’m not going to generalise and say we all have the same superpowers, or even that we all have superpowers.  Each of us lives in our own world, with our own limitations, our own greatnesses. And two worlds can be similar, but we really are the unique snowflakes that you aren’t.

No, that’s cruel. You guys are individuals too, but… the same. You all live in the same world, this world that we can see and interact with but aren’t really a part of. I shouldn’t generalise you anymore than I should generalise us. After all, I’ve only pretended to be one of you, thought I was one of you. I never actually was one of you.

Some of us have superior hearing, eyesight, sense of smell – all to the point of distraction because how can you focus on one conversation in a room where you can hear fifty, or look at one person when you can see the air currents swirling around them? Some of us have amazing memories – but just because you can store all that data doesn’t mean you can find the file it’s hidden in. For each of our strengths we have a weakness or three. And for each of us it’s a different mix.

You accuse us – when you even recognise us at all – of being robotic, inhuman. But that is far from the truth. We feel things so intensely that we try not to feel them at all – because this is your world and not really ours, we weren’t taught how to cope with emotions in a way that we understand.

We’re not so inhuman, we’re just different…

We’re autistic.

Sensitive Scents Of Smell - Allergies

Other than having a sensitive nose, I am also allergic to a certain type of fragrance.  It is merely one of up to {or over} a hundred components that make up the ingredient “fragrance” listed on products. But I am violently allergic to it. Headaches and nausea upon smelling fragranced products including this one ingredient at any more than a tiny dilution, discoid eczema upon contact. I can’t use toilet paper that states it has been fragranced because I learned the hard way; it includes the component I am allergic to. All of them. Basically, if fragrance or perfume is in the top three ingredients, and the company can’t provide me with a list of ingredients in their “fragrance” (and none of them will, as it is a secret) then I have to avoid the product.

Hoppy loves this, I can never complain about him being smelly because if he uses products it makes me sick. Alternatively, he loves this because if he doesn’t want me bugging him, all he has to do is spray some on {sob}.

Why am I bringing this up? I work in a place with 100+ other people. In close proximity (we get probably a metre and a half to ourselves, but scents don’t stay restricted to each person’s personal space). And someone nearby is wearing a disgusting amount of something that I can tell within five seconds that I am allergic to. I can’t open the window, because everyone freaks out about the cold (despite the fact that I and a small minority of women whom I assume are going through menopause are constantly too hot).

So what can I do? There’s no point in complaining, what’s done can’t be undone {especially considering it is just a smell}. Without windows to open we can’t air the place out and make it habitable for me. Do I just sit here in silence and suffer? {Well, silence apart from my blog rants.}

Guess so. Be like the pebble and all that. I suppose I could go and sit in the hallway for a while, but the fragrance would still be lingering when I got back.

I take anti-histamines for my hayfever {never got that before moving to Wellington, and now I’m practically allergic to animal hair, with year round hayfever} but that does nothing for the fragrance allergy. Not to mention I currently have to triple up on hayfever medication for it to do anything. I try going for patches without using any, just to reduce my chance of getting addicted, getting bleeding noses, and to increase my chance of it working better when I do take it.

Well, I’d better stop ranting and figure out something I can do about it. No ideas at current that would be of any help. {Sigh}

Driving and Me

I just read The Aspie Bestie's blog post here (fingers crossed the link worked, I've never done one before!) and I was tempted to write a short post about my own experiences with driving. Considering I know that it can be (one of the) topics of great discussion where I fall on the "different" side of the stick - and boy does it feel strange to still feel different and weird even while I'm finding people like me and feeling like I almost belong.

Yes, I can drive.

I got my learners at 18 (later than most people I knew) at my grandmother's urging. One driving lesson with gran who immediately said "never again!"

Then that was it for two years. Then, three lessons with an Asian driving instructor (and I'll admit to succumbing to racial stereotype and being a little afraid to learning to drive from an Asian. At the end of the third lesson, he announced (with a glint of greed in his eyes) "She will need at least thirty more lessons to be good enough to pass the restricted test."

So that was it for two years. Every now and then Hoppy would give me a "lesson" in his car and I would struggle away, freaking out if there was anyone behind me or in front of me and going 60 on the open road (speed limit is 100), and afterwards he would tell me off for being useless and I would vow never to try again.

At one point, the "all the things at once" issue nearly had me driving into a lamp post. After all: indicate, turn wheel, clutch, break, gear change, accelerate, look, mirror check... All those things were too much to do at once. I. Was. Terrified.

Eventually I gave up on being scared. I had to jump in the deep end. I booked lessons with an instructor who had automatic cars. On the second lesson, he started talking to me, having a conversation while I continually froze up. He started talking, of all things, about religion. He was SDA - which in my opinion is another crazy cult, but I am not a religious person and they all amuse me to some degree - and we just talked. And after a while I realised I had driven through the hour, we were back at home, and I hadn't panicked.

I think I had six lessons with him. Then that was it for 6 months. No-one I know has an automatic car so I couldn't practice.

Then I went "screw it." Booked my driving test, rented an automatic car, and passed with flying colours. Only issue was I hesitated too long at roundabouts.

Shortly after that, I brought myself a car. And... once I had my own car, I had no issues with driving.

I mean, I learned the hard way that I can't play music loudly and stay on my side of the road. It took me 3 years to be able to do that. A friend had to help me "learn" how to drive after dark, or in the rain. Initially I was too scared to do that. And I still refuse to drive in what I call "Traffic" (in other words, rush hour traffic or anything similar). I don't like cars in front of me, or behind me, but I got over the thought of "I can't go faster than 60, ScreamingMetalDeathTrap!"

I zone out and get to places without remembering passing certain "markers" along the way. I have to hold the steering wheel with my left hand or I can't control the wheel. I tap and fiddle and stim when I'm driving.

That's my story.

Also, I'm convinced that other things would work the same way as driving. Once I have my own house, I'll be able to look after it better. I hope. {i really really want to own my own home... one day...}

Trying To Start Novelling

I have a couple of ideas on how I’m going to start my Aspergian/vampire romance story, and because the two starters are at odds and I don’t think I can use both – but I like both equally {okay, I like one a little more but that’s only because I don’t know if the other one would be found offensive by people with aspergers or if they’d find it cool like I do} – I think that may be why I have held off on starting writing.

 {I am just going to do a basic sum up of the idea behind each start, I don’t want to give away too much or ruin the start of a story that I may eventually end up posting online for people to read… or more J (hopes and dreams of being published, as always) but hopefully this will give all y’all enough of an idea that you can say yay or nay to the ideas.}

Start One:

 The main character is in a job interview.  This chapter and this chapter alone will be formatted different, first person perspective (as will the rest of the story) but almost like a script. What the interviewer asks, and what the main character responds with in her head – what she says reveals her quirks – and what she actually responds with out loud. As well as this, there will be her fidgeting, nervous stimming, and other things, written in. But this chapter will almost (even though it is set in the present) be done as a “looking back” type thing.
Oh… it’s hard to describe and basically I can’t do it justice without writing it out! But that is the basic‑est of basic overviews of start one.

Start Two:

This is going to be a… um… I can’t think of the word. Sort of like an “unexpected twist” start, based off the start to some vampire novels I read when I was younger (The Night World, by L.J Smith, for example, has a similar start or premise but without my twist).
“They live among us, they look just like us, they could be us. But they’re not.  Each of them is different in their own way, unique. Each of them lives in a different world from us. Some of them are really cats {hey, I like the cat thing… although that line probably won’t stay}…”
Basically, a build-up, leading the reader to believe I’m talking about vampires. But, surprise twist: I’m talking about Aspergians.

Well folks, those are my ideas. Again, they are in their most basic form. Can people please let me know any opinions, do they like one idea better than the other, etc? Pretty pretty please?

Sleep and Overtiredness

I slept last night. Like, I went to sleep at 8:30 and slept through the entire night. That might not sound like a big thing, but it is. Normally I can’t get to sleep until 11, midnight, 1am… which isn’t good considering I have to be up at 5:10am at the latest in order to get myself ready for work.

I must have really needed the sleep. I get like that. I stay up late and later and later every night, then I get overtired which makes me more likely to have a massive and at least semi-public meltdown – and we are talking yell at Hoppy for breathing too aggressively, freak out because I can’t find that pen I wanted to use more than the one I’m holding, get highly confused because I’m doing one thing and I’ve been asked to do another and everybody knows you can’t do two things at once and I can’t possibly figure out that I could complete task one before dealing with task two {and on that particular occasion, I learnt that it’s better to try and reign in the anger of confusion, because I severed the tendon in my little finger by accident}.

Those examples are all of the extreme variety. As in, I’m not only deprived of sleep but I’ve also been doing things that are deceptively physical. Diving, for example, has never felt like it is hard physical work to me, but it is – the bruises and exhaustion that kick in two days later are signs of that. But there are other things too, that I don’t class as “hard work” or “hard exercise” or whatever, because I don’t see them that way – either because they’re fun or I’m too distracted while doing them to notice I’m getting a work out.

But anyway – when I sleep like I did last night I have to assume it is because I am reaching my limit. Because I honestly do not know my own limits, my own breaking points. I will go and go (I learned to try and set limits when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia at 22, because I now knew that I wasn’t weak, that I actually had something causing the pain and that maybe it was a good time to stop, but generally I push myself anyway) until I literally can’t go anymore, and then I will try and take two or three more steps before I give up. Because I do not want to be weak.

A lot of me is like that. I don’t want to see myself (let alone have other people see me) as weak, either physically or emotionally. I act bat-sugar crazy (thank you to The Strawberry Kiwi – my first friend in primary school who now lives in America, whom I do not believe I have yet introduced {also my one follower. Yay, follower!} – for that delicious phrase) kind of on purpose and kind of because I reached a certain age and decided that if people couldn’t accept me for my eccentricities then why should they have the awesomeness that is me in their lives? So I’m guessing that I don’t care if people see me as “weak” mentally.

This is why I push myself beyond the point that I think “maybe that’s enough”. And this is why for something like seven years I didn’t cry in public. This is why I lie about some things, even though people with Aspergers supposedly don’t lie – although 99.99% of the time I get caught out in my lies anyway, so I really should give up on the lying.

Let’s just put it this way: I do a lot of things that I probably shouldn’t do, just so I can “keep up” with the NT crowd. And I can’t stop myself from being like this, not easily anyway, because I have had 29 years (28 years and 51 weeks?) of thinking that I was NT too, of thinking “okay, I may be different, but I’m still one of them so I need to keep up”, of thinking… well anything and everything along those lines.

I have only had one month of knowing, knowing 100 percent without a doubt, that I am not one of them. Only six months before that of thinking “maybe I am… but I’m probably just being a hypochondriac.” You know, that’s the time where you start looking at things, but not terribly seriously, you start thinking about ways you could change things or ways you can learn to accept yourself, but not seriously enough at all.

And in this one month of actual knowing, what have I done? Re-read the first two chapters of Aspergirls by Rudy Simone, and written 27 blog posts (two of which are incomplete and in draft form, and that’s not counting this one). I’ve “come out” as aspergian to exactly: one person at work, my mum and grandmother, my current best friend, best friend in primary school and best friend from uni (not best friend from high school or best friend from intermediate/some of primary and high school, because I’m not in touch with those two and one of them is completely invisible as far as online presence goes, so no-one I know from those days knows how to get in touch with her!), my flatmate (and she’s probably “outed” me to her boyfriend/I haven’t kept it a secret around him), and a girl from school last year who I thought was possibly aspergian too.

What I should have been doing: making plans and ways for me to accept my limits. This one is an important one. I need to not only accept, but learn my limits, so I know “this is five steps before my breaking point, I should stop here because I do not want to break.” I need to read up more on this sort of thing, because reading is the way I learn things.

 Blogging is good for me, I’ve been able to get all these thoughts out there and make them tangible, making them more real and being able to make sense of the things that I am thinking. Take this blog post for example. When it started out, I was just writing about how I’d gone to sleep early and how that must have been a sign that I was getting overtired. But the organic flow that my mind takes – rambling and wandering, and fully irritating or confusing in my verbal communication – has lead me down this path to this eventual brilliant revelation. So writing down my thoughts is good.

Um… yeah, that’s all I can think of. Learning more about the actual me, so I know when to say when, and how to stop myself from doing things I really shouldn’t be doing, and keep on blogging. Any ideas or suggestions on good places to start looking? J