Monday, 25 August 2014

My Learning Style

If you go through a list of learning styles, you’ll find the typical: Learn by asking, learn by listening,

learn by doing... They have their proper names I know, and people can be a blend. I probably fit into

those spectra; I think I've done a test before. But my real learning style does not really fit into a nice

compact box.

I call my learning style (and yes, I made this up less than 5 minutes before I started writing this)

“Learn by Systematic Chaos”

The oxymoron in the title is purposeful – chaos being the opposite of organisation so something that

you can’t have in a systematic order.

If I’m just listening – all attention focused on the act of listening to what the instructor is saying –

this is the worst possible thing for me in reality. If I’m actively trying to focus just on the [teacher/

tutor/lecturer/trainer] (insert whatever term applicable here) and not (fidgeting, writing, talking)

doing something unrelated to what’s being said, then rather than my body racing away from the

subject at hand with my mind free to learn and absorb; my mind is racing at a million miles an hour

and the sound of the air conditioner becomes too loud, I can feel the muscle fibres in my neck at

such an intensity that I can’t figure out how to position my head (and every angle feels wrong) and

all of a sudden I have to concentrate on remembering to breathe in and out.

Which of those two options sounds like the one that enables me to learn?

That up there is one scenario, one way that things can screw things up when I try to learn. There are

innumerable alternate scenarios and situations and, and, and...


Tuesday, 19 August 2014

My Brain Has So Much It Wants To Write

And I do mean so so SO much.

It's been 10 months since I last blogged (I think) and I feel terrible because of that. It's probably been 8 or nine months since I ever really wrote at all, apart from for work (National Novel Writing Month... yup that would about be it)

I plan on writing more.

Or trying to at least.

Watch this space ...

Sunday, 13 October 2013

why do i stay up late?

I just had a brilliant thought.

It went along the lines of this:

"I could chop all my fingers off."

Just, you know, a random suggestion that popped into my head as a solution... to what I  don't know.

So I ask again. Why do I stay up late?

6 hours left til I have to wake up but not only am I not sleepy, I plan on watching just one more episode of Grey's Anatomy before I try...

This is my prediction; me tomorrow. Somewhere, out of nowhere, there is going to be a wave and it's going to hit me face on and knock me off my feet.
A metaphorical, work related wave no doubt, not an actual wave like this one, but you get the picture.
{and I get the feeling it'll be a little worse than saying "lime" instead of "life", or writing "donut" instead of "doubt"...}

Friday, 11 October 2013

You knew what I was like when you met me

You knew what I was like when you met me,
because I never hid who I was.
I have never really known who you are,
because I can't see below the surface as well as you,
because I never thought to think you would lie.
You gave people-pleaser answers,
you said everything a girl would want you to say.
You made me fall in love with you
but now I think it was all a game.

At six months, you didn't break my heart.
You shattered it.
And that hurt,
even though we "got back together",
that hurt lasted six months.
At least.

Since then you have been remaking me
changing me into who you want me to be.
Or trying to at least.
And if I look at the past with unbiased eyes,
you were doing it long before then.
The only difference is,
before you were doing it with your pretty people-pleasing lies,
and now you do it with hard cold eyes
and one hand holding tight to the leash my love has made around my neck.

You are the only person whose opinion matters,
you are the only person who I care if you think I look good or not.
Well I'm trying to change that
I tell myself,
I tell others,
that my opinion about my body is the only one that matters.
But when I say that I'm lying.

I've done things I said I would never do,
I thought I never could do,
all to please you.
Because no matter how much you've changed,
I always remember you as you were.

Always remember when you said you loved me.

Always wish that things hadn't changed.

Sunday, 8 September 2013


So this post was brought on by a specific situation, but it is a problem in general for me.

I like to be prepared: I like to know "when" and "where". I do not think that this is an Aspie issue, but something that most people will recognise.

I also like to know "why", "for how long", "how" and many other things. This bit seems to be just me, although I could be wrong.

Specific situation that made me think up this blog post?

Work related - of course. I get the feeling that all the things that are new or anxiety inducing - and therefore blog-worthy - in the near future, well the majority of them are going to be work related.

In two days, the people in my training group are going to start going on the phones. We aren't going to be fully "Live" (work's jargon for being on the phone and fully trained, able to answer any type of call, and whenever I think the word, I think it with a capital 'L') so I have decided to call what we are when we're on the phones during training "Zombie Live".

Why is going Zombie Live on the phones an issue for me? Because I don't feel prepared.

There is no specific script - just general stuff that we either have to say or can say, stuff we're not allowed to say and stuff we shouldn't say. And most of the things in those categories are generalities not specifics.

I do like me some specifics.

We are learning the stuff necessary to be allowed to answer peoples calls. Like code of conduct, privacy laws, and the basics of the computer system we'll be in. And when I say basics, I mean bare-bones basics. That doesn't bother me too much.I mean, what I know isn't the problem.

What I don't know is.

I always struggle with that interview question: "Can you tell us about a time where you have failed/made a mistake, and what you did to make sure it never happened again?"

And I struggle because I avoid doing things until I know without a doubt that I can do them - in a situation where I feel like I can be judged on my ability.

I mean, if a simple conversation can be both misunderstood and reported back to our teacher so that I get told off for being prejudiced {I will have to get into that more in depth in another post because I really should be getting to sleep soon} then we really are being judged on everything and that is just so much pressure!

Tell us exactly how to do what it is that you want us to do! I just can't help stressing about it!!!

Thursday, 5 September 2013

The New Job Dramas

Wow, it has been ages since I posted.

I guess the first thing I should cover is: My previous job (desk job with no customer interaction) has ended, I had a lovely week long stint of unemployment dog sitting for my grandparents and now I have a new job (currently in training but eventually phone/customer service job dealing constantly with customers eight hours a day).

There are a couple of things I need to cover in my post, and they're in no specific order of importance, so I guess I'll just get stuck into it.

So, on day one (today being the last day of week one) we sort of fell into a couple of groups - by the way, I'm in a training group so all of us are new all at once, nobody knew anyone else beforehand. At that stage it was a blend of boys versus girls, and this side of the room versus that side of the room, the natural dividing lines for peer groupings in a situation like this (stated not as fact, but my opinion or general observation)

At that stage, I felt like I was at the same stage as everyone else. Mingling (and yes I am an attempted mingler even though I am Aspie - I'm one of the ones who wants to feel included but doesn't know how) and trying to find my place in the group. But still, part of a group.

By now, day five, some of the groups (one in particular) seem well defined. The one that I originally felt a part of, I now feel like an outlier - I'm there and they'll talk to me, but there's something slightly awkward between me and them. Even worse, the group I originally attached to seems to be two orbiting groups which often but not always intertwine - Sub-Group Alpha and Sub-Group Beta I'm going to call them (for the hell of it). I am more Sub-Group Alpha, say, and there are five of us. Two of them have a mutual friend and seem to have bonded over that, and the other two seem to have bonded just over the fact that they sit together - which isn't fair because I sit on the other side of them so why did they bond and I didn't?

But anyway, of my sub group I'm the odd one out, which just pushes me further to the side in the actual group, but the other groups are more firmly formed than ours to the point where they look at me like I'm a space alien if I try to sit with them rather than my group.

So I'm feeling more and more like an outsider.

And I don't know if it's real or imagined.

I Have Forgotten The Other Stuff I wanted To Talk About
Sorry for that. Got stuck on one rant and I'm not yet back into the swing of things as far as blogging goes.

More's the pity.

This is actually the first writing of any kind I've done in ages...

Well I'd better run :)

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Emotional Crap.

It is so unbearably hard to pretend I’m fine when really I’m not. Insanely hard. Smile cracked and wavering, eyes stinging, blinking away tears that won’t quite come. My throat is like sandpaper, but it’s been like that for a while so I don’t think the two are related. Often I’ll stare into nothing for five, ten minutes, doing nothing but stare. In those times I’m not even conscious of thinking. Sometimes. And those are the best times. But then I’ll shake myself and blink and I’ll be back here, feeling this pain.
I realised the other day that I only seem to remember the bad things. And small things can devastate me. Like, it is insane how much tiny, tiny things can set me back. I actually tried to make myself disassociate {and yes, both ‘disassociate’ and ‘dissociate’ are valid spellings, even my spell check tells me that. One is the American spelling and the other is the right spelling J } the other night to make me forget something. I just didn’t want to have that sadness in my head or in my heart.
Is it bad that, now that I know I do it, I’m trying to use it to my advantage? Maybe, I will concede that. But I think I’m allowed. I remember EVERYTHING and I don’t want to have to. So if I have this tool in my arsenal, this magic wand to take away the bad, I will try and use it. At least I’m not getting oblivion drunk to get rid of the memories. At least I’m not hurting myself physically. That has to count for something, right?
I don’t know.
Anyway, this post is about emotions. Why do I feel them so strongly? Why does every tiny little thing hurt like it’s the end of the world? Maybe because it is. I wasn’t taught how to deal with my emotions when I was younger, maybe because nobody knew the extent to which I was different, mentally and emotionally. Maybe because I never started feeling things this strongly until I was 18 or 19 years old. That’s when I had my first anxiety attack, my first 3 month long bout of depression, my first love…
It’s true, all my emotions and the divide between positive emotions and negative ones grew exponentially stronger when I hit 18/19. I do not know why. There is a very black and white division between my emotions, and the physical memory thing sticks for emotions as well. Just as I cannot remember what my little finger looked like before I had this scar on it, and I cannot remember what I looked like 6 months ago, as far as I’m concerned I always looked like this and always will; when I am sad I cannot remember ever being happy and I cannot imagine ever feeling happy again.
I wish it was like that when I’m happy but honestly, I have no idea what it’s like when I’m happy.
When I am sad (like I am right now) I can still laugh, I can still be amused, I can still be excited or smile. But the underlying emotion is sadness and that bugger won’t go away. No matter how hard I try.
People have tried telling me things, all sorts of things “just pretend you’re happy and it will go away” “cheer up” “just forget about it” “let it go, it’s in the past”…
Ad infinitum.
Doesn’t work like that. And considering some of the people telling me this claim to have had anxiety or depression, you think they’d understand that.
Stupid brain.