Tuesday, 2 July 2013

I Think I'm Disassociating

I've been feeling funny since about four this afternoon (so 3 hours roughly).

I told The Aspie Bestie just now, how I feel, and her first suggestion was disassociation {yeah, I just linked to a Wiki page... how terrible of me!}.

Although how I feel right now (and it's something I've felt before on multiple occasions) is not what I associated with disassociation - Merm disassociates and I've been with her in in situations that she says she disassociates -  I read that, then gave myself a mini test, running through the "sample disassociative experiences scale".

Yes... yes... no.... sometimes... yes...

Okay not only am I likely disassociating right now but I do it more often than I realised!

{I suppose I should stress that I am only possibly disassociating... Self diagnosed disassociation?}

Time feels fuzzy and out of reach, like it's slipping by too fast. I could blink and it'll be midnight before I've remembered to eat. I'm going from not feeling temperature, to being cold with shivers, staying in one position for so long I go numb, my nose and face feel kind of tingly. There's other stuff too but the main thing is feeling like I'm having problems with reality; time and space.

I can't explain it.

If it is disassociation, I have an idea of why. A maybe reason.

See, I have this insane optimism when it comes to applying for jobs. I latch onto the idea of getting the job I'm applying for (although usually the optimism comes when I have the first interview, not right at the point of application), I fall in love with the job... And then, invariably, my hopes are dashed as I don't get the job. One particular job I applied for last year, I couldn't leave my bed for two days after the second interview out of nervous excitement, and then I got the call saying I hadn't got the job and I couldn't leave the bed for two days out of utter despondent depression.

Well, I applied for a job today, because my current contract is fast running out. It took me an hour to complete the forms, but I started at around 4pm. And just because of how ideal the timing of this job seems, and it's a semi-good fit, I've been feeling kind of excited, kind of positive about this job.

So I think maybe my mind has decided to play baby-sitter. Disassociate me, distance me from the excitement {it's not really working that well, the disassociating is giving it a weird added excitement} so that I can't be hurt.

I'm not sure, maybe I'm wrong.

All I know is my wrist looks weird, not-mine even though it's attached to my hand as I'm typing. My skin feels weird and my finders seem to be not a part of my body... And oh crap this is making me think of other things, other times where I at least partially disassociate and I'm starting to get worried... I can think of an excuse for this time but I have no idea about the others! I can't wait until next week, when I have what I can only call "auditions" with two different counsellors, so I can find one that's the right fit. I feel more and more like I need a counsellor...

Sometimes the random-est pictures, taken for the hell of it, find a way of having so much meaning... This picture sums up how I feel... Out at sea, parts of me barely a part of reality and just little bits of me so real...

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