Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Just a Bit of Random

This is just going to be one of the random ones. No fancy introspective stuff is planned, just rambling which I will write throughout the day.
I like rambling, and writing.
I’m tired. Tired and sore from my birthday weekend (it was decreed long ago that that’s not Queens Birthday Weekend, it is My Birthday Weekend) of fishing and diving and late nights driving. Don’t get me wrong, I had an awesome time. My idea of fun involves either the sea or a book (there are some others but that about covers the basics).
But now I’m tired and sore and if I didn’t have this mysterious thing called a job, I would be in bed on this Windy Wellington Wednesday. I would be in bed and hiding away from the world.
My muscles are aching in annoying ways from things that didn’t feel like exercise – because they were fun. Every position I can move my (fairly adjustable) chair into, I still hurt somehow.
I’m apparently tired enough that I’m (possibly) making mistakes at work. I don’t know if I did or not, which is bad enough… But if I did, I don’t know what it is I did! This makes me feel even more like hiding.
I suppose now would be as good a time as any to mention my… Well I wouldn’t call myself a perfectionist exactly (I’m messy and disorganised and easily distracted and forgetful) but I have a competitive perfectionist streak at the very least. I’m the opposite of a narcissist, who will do things terribly, never admitting they don’t know what they’re doing. I, on the other hand, hate doing anything if I’m not good at it.
It can get quite annoying. If I have a skill where out of the group of us, I’m better at doing, or at the very least, it’s my best skill in the skillset for that time/place {I know this is starting to not quite make sense} then it upsets me quite irrationally if someone “upskills” so they can do it better than me. I feel… unnecessary.
Real Life Example: {So maybe I can make it make more sense}
{Oh yeah, and diving is practically my life, so there’s a good chance that “Diving”, “Snorkelling” and “Fishing” will be a lot of the topic of my real life examples… if I do a lot of real life examples}
Crayfish are fast creatures, and I am definitely not a fast person. Also, crayfish life to hide in deep, dark, scary holes, and I am claustrophobic and scared of the dark. I am getting better at looking for them, braver, but still. When we are snorkelling, there is a limited supply of air (only what we can hold in our lungs) so to catch a cray you have to duck down, see the cray, go back to the surface, take a deeeeeeep breath and go back down to grab it, hoping it didn’t see you before and run away.
I’m not good at that. I’m slow, and noticeable. And also I miss seeing at least 50% of the crayfish.
Paua, however (abalone, for those who aren’t kiwi’s) are not fast. Well, see one running away from a starfish and you’ll realise that they are fast, but that’s beside the point. They are shellfish, with beautiful shells – on the inside. But they pretty much just sit there. And with the right tool (never a screwdriver or a knife, it has to be blunt because paua don’t clot and could bleed to death if you cut an undersized one on the foot) all you have to do is flip it off the rock.
I am good at catching paua. Hoppy is fast, and not scared of sticking his hand into a black hole of nothingness, thus he is good at catching crayfish. I mean, I can see a cray, way back in a hole, too far for me to reach it, tell Hoppy, and boom! He’s caught it. He’ll crawl as far in the hole as he can, if he needs.
But I’m getting side tracked.
The point of the story is, I’m good at catching one and bad at catching the other. I like trying to catch crayfish but I know my strengths and weaknesses. So it upsets me and makes me feel nearly completely pointless when Hoppy  catches more paua than me (there is a limit and it’s not like we need that many anyway) or better/bigger paua than me (which means my smaller paua will be let go because I don’t like raping and pillaging the sea).
Yeah, I don’t really know if that sufficiently clarified the situation. But, nice sub-story. Anyway, at work it doesn’t really matter if there are people who are better than me. There are that many of us and that many tasks and I’m a mid-level achiever I think. I know that my “good” is someone else’s “average” but my “average” is someone else’s “good”. In fact, I know that my “terrible” is someone else’s “best” so I don’t get upset over any of that.
Not to mention we’re all on our separate computers, barely interacting, so you really have no idea if someone else is better or worse than you.
But I still get upset at myself when I do worse than I know I can.
Wow… I’ve gotten really off track {can you be off track when there isn’t really a track to be on?}. And this seems like as good a place as any to end the blog. Don’t worry though, I’ve already taken out some of this post that didn’t seem to fit in, and it’s the start of my next post, haha!
See you soon J

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