Thursday, 6 June 2013

Lost But Not a Cat

Since my diagnosis, I have been at a little bit of a loose end – as much so as I can be while having a 9 to 5 (or 6 to 3 as the case happens to be) job. I don’t quite know not just how I feel, but how to feel.
 I suppose I should say at least I’ve stopped being a cat. For two or three days, I was kind of mute, the only noise my vocal chords were cool with making was a meow. Different variants of meow, but cat noises all the same.
I know that technically I’ve always been Aspergers, but it’s the actual diagnosis and making it real that’s sent shockwaves through my mind if not my life. {Not that I’ve gotten the actual on paper diagnosis from the doctor yet, maybe getting it officially on paper will set me back another knock…}
When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at twenty-two, it was simpler. That is something I had my whole life as well, but there wasn’t the shock of suddenly having what most people consider to be a mental illness, a mental disorder, a BAD thing. All of a sudden I knew “There’s a reason I’m having this pain, and if I step back and don’t push myself so hard it would be good for me.” I used to just ignore the pain, try to tough it out before that diagnosis.  On the plus side, I know I can function with a daily migraine strength headache. On the minus side, I went through half or most of high school with a massive headache, and flunked out of two universities due to anxiety and pain and just plain old getting lost in the system.
When I got my Fibro diagnosis, I started not taking as many shifts at work, because I was trying to cut back and see if not pushing myself to the brink would be helpful on my pain levels and other stuff. I didn’t tell work that I had Fibromyalgia – I’m not a fan of making excuses because no matter what it is, it’s still an excuse – but I didn’t think it would matter either way since I was still working the shifts I was supposed to do and still picking up some extra shifts, just not saying yes to each and every one.
They fabricated a flimsy reason to fire me. I didn’t click until years later that the reason I was fired, the real reason I was fired, was because I hadn’t been doing as many shifts, and because I asked to use a chair at the checkout when I worked a double shift.
Anyway, other than getting fired for a made up reason, getting diagnosed with Fibromyalgia was easy to figure out. All it means is that everything that I was told for years was all in my head actually wasn’t all in my head. I didn’t have to feel lazy when I needed to rest in the middle of the day. All sorts of things.
Of course, I have had seven years to slowly learn about Fibromyalgia and know what it is and isn’t doing to me. Seven years of knowing what limits it puts on me and what limits I can break.
Aspergers, I know nothing. Next to nothing. A little bit.
Some of what I thought was Fibromyalgia could be accredited to Aspergers. Some of what I thought was just me being me can be accredited to Aspergers. Does this mean that I’m not really me? I already haqve the feeling of being not fully formed as a person, is what I’ve already formed not true anyway?
So yeah, I’m lost. Very lost.
I don’t know if I’ll take the road that The Aspie Bestie seems to have taken: she’s got pages and groups on Facebook, she knows so much, she’s planning on writing a book. She’s just, fully into it. Not to mention she’s “aspie out” to everyone (I think, don’t take my word for it) and uses it as a chance to educate people about aspergers. I’m going to possibly never come “aspie out” to some people, even though I think it’s an awesome thing I’m scared of reactions in some cases and in others I just don’t want the hassle. Hoppy, I don’t think, will give a damn, but he’ll just say it’s another excuse. {And if you think I hate excuses, you should see how much he likes them J}
For me… I’ve read Aspergirls by Rudy Simone – once before being formally diagnosed and currently re-reading it, and let me tell you it has taken on a whole different light this time around! I belong to a few groups. I look things up. I read a couple of blogs – not many though. And I’m just…
Like I said before, I’m lost. But at least I’m not a cat at the moment.

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